Ask The Baby

Eye of the Tigrrrrrr

Well, it’s 2014. And my posting on this blog in 2013 led a lot to be desired. I have conducted an investigation into the reasons for my lack of posting, and can present the following statistical breakdown of factors contributing to my underperformance:

  • 42% – Health issues
  • 18% – There was something on TV/ Pure laziness
  • 23% – Work deadlines
  • 17% – Moral qualms

Let me explain the last one.

I'm a Tigerrrrrrrr

I’m a Tigerrrrrrrr

Ever since the Bean’s diagnosis of autism, I have begun to worry that keeping this blog constitutes an invasion of her privacy. Well, not worry, but to stop rationalizing to myself that somehow it isn’t an invasion of her privacy. As she gets older and begins to have strong opinions about things (e.g.: “I don’t eat carrots. I am not a rabbit.”), it occurred to me that she might someday object to my writing about her on the Internet. This blog has never had more than about 200 unique readers, so it’s not as if she’s being broadcast to the entire world, but as it is out there online it is conceivable that someone, someday, might read something and embarrass her somehow with the information. Or, in an age of technologically-savvy stalkers, do worse than embarrass her.

There’s also an awareness of hypocrisy on my part. I’ve often scoffed at the kind of parents who treat their children like designer purses or pedigree dogs, to be shown off everywhere. Is what I’ve been doing with Bean much different than that, really? Many Americans are brought up in an environment that turns them into frustrated celebrities and compels them to use their offspring as bait for attention. So I worry that I, as a frustrated writer, am using my offspring as bait for attention to my writing.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe re-activating the blog would please my family, or maybe it could help me connect with other parents who have autistic children and so expand our support network.

You tell me.

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Color Commentary

Bean watched some NFL action with her Daddy last night and gave us running updates on the progress of the game. Which she is qualified to do, as someone who has handled the ol’ pigskin herself, viz.:

half pint half back

She used to play, you know. (2010 photo)

The game was the Baltimore Ravens vs. aunt Anya’s Indianapolis Colts, and during the scoreless first quarter, Bean noted that:

“The people is running and has a ball! Clapping! Yes, go people! You get up, people, and take the ball!”

In the second quarter, when Baltimore put the first points on the board with a field goal, Eve had the following observation:

“He kicked it! He kicked a ball and it is flying in the sticks! Oh wow!”

But her allegiances began to show when the Colts answered the field goal with one of their own. Reaction was swift and vehement:

“No, you stop it! You stop a kicking, go out! Get out of here!”

We are denied further commentary as the Bean had to go to bed during halftime. Sorry, Anya. The kid clearly prefers the Ravens. Just another reason to hate Joe Flacco, I guess.

Ask The Baby: Are You Ready For Some (American) Football?

As the NFL season enters week four, Sports expert E.A.A. Judson answers your questions about tonight’s matchup between Uncle Jer’s Miami Dolphins and Aunt Katie’s New England Giseles Patriots.

Before we get to the questions, though, the Editors feel it’s important to address the concerns of those in Ms. Judson’s home country, regarding the legitimacy of American “football”. It’s been derided as “a bunch of oiks wearing shelving material”, and “sweaty men’s encounter groups interrupted by shoving”.

There may be, however, a case for calling it “handegg”. Viz.:

becks

I'm sure he has better hair than Becks under that helmet.

Dear Ask The Baby: So, Gisele Bundchen. Is she going to be worse for the Patriots than Jessica Simpson was for the Cowboys, or will she be more like our Kate Hudson? Because obviously, the wives and girlfriends of the players have such a big impact when it comes to football.

–Field Goal Gossip

Dear FGG: Ball!

Dear Ask The Baby: How do you feel about the proposed shift to an 18-game schedule in2012 from a 16-game schedule? On the one hand, I think this would be great, because it means two more games a season. On the other hand, I’m a Lions fan.

Roar for More?

Dear Roar: Weady… go! [runs down the room with football] Eh gamma bullispa, eh heh heh, a badda ball! [insane giggling] Weady… GO! [runs up the room with football]

Dear Ask The Baby: Two quickies about the Pats: do you think Tom Brady can win his 100th game tonight? And do you think it was a smart idea for them to trade Laurence Mulroney when their other backs were liable to get injured– and two of them have?

Brady Buncher

Dear Bunch: Ball! Oooo, wow, ball! GO! [rushes up room carrying football, then hurls it at typist] Yayyyy! [applauds]

half pint half back

June 2010.

Dear Ask The Baby: Sorry to change the subject, but aren’t you technically a toddler now?

The Ref

Dear Ref: Um, hissa ball. Ball uh Daddy. [Handing ball to Daddy] Deh-daaa.

Ask The Baby: The Eyjafjallajokull Volcano

can it, mountain of fire thingy!

We want SOUTHWESTERLY WINDS for June and July, people.

In this edition of Ask The Baby, volcanologist E.A.A. Judson answers questions about the recent eruptions of the Eyjafjallajokull volcano in Iceland and its subsequent disruptions to air travel. Take a bus and a camel and a ferry to our unique, baby-derived advice now!

As always, our expert’s responses are transcribed verbatim.

Dear Ask The Baby,

I am wrtg. this from my phone in an ariprt in Dublin. Pls. explain what a bunch of dust has to do with me not getting bk 2 LDN to vote tmrw!

Sore Ash

Dear Sore,

Muh-meh! Geh, eh nernernerner, uh heh-heh, dirgle! [points to mouth] MmmmMMmmm!

Dear Ask The Baby,

Is it true that the last time this stupid volcano erupted, it lasted for TWO YEARS? Because I have plane tickets for this summer, you know. And I already know my insurance won’t cover it if the flight gets cancelled, and I can’t afford to book a room on a Cunard liner, and I really miss my Mom, who is also your Grandma, and she misses you. It would stink if she and Grandpa and everyone else didn’t get to hug you until you were three.

–Muh-MEH!

Dear MM!

Huh, nerble geh. Ah geh, heh heh, mmm. [pointing at light fixture] Liiiiigh-tuh! Liiiiigh-tuh! Nnnnn behbeh.

Dear Ask The Baby,

Isn’t there a much bigger story than convenience here? I mean, Eyjafjallajokull isn’t a huge volcano, but one of its neighbors, Laki, is. And if Laki blows… I mean, I don’t want to be dismal, but we’re talking real wrath of God stuff here. Dogs and cats, living together– anarchy! What, in your opinion, is the likelihood of Laki blowing in the near future?

–Out Of My Vulcan Mind

Dear Vulcan,

Ohhhhh eh-heh! [hugs cuddly fox, rolls over giggling] A derble derble mmm, muh-meh!  [points towards mouth] MmmmMMmMMm!

out of your control

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bean

Ask The Baby: The Winter Olympics

butwhatyoudontunderstandis

Sports Commentator (and Baby) Eve Judson

This month, Ask The Baby goes for the gold. Sports expert Eve Judson answers your questions about the 2010 Winter Olympics, currently being held in Vancouver, Canada.

Dear Ask The Baby: Why is there bobsledding, luge, and skeleton in the Olympics? Isn’t it all just sledding?

Slip Slidin’ Away

Dear Slip: Uh-gebble dibbah dib dib! Heh. Muhmmmm gebble dib! Uh heh heh heh.

Dear Ask The Baby: I have read an awful lot about Ancient Greece, and I see the precursors for the modern pentathlon accounted for, but I don’t get biathlon. Skiing and shooting? What’s the point?

Mathlete

Dear Mathlete: OOOOOOWEEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEEEE-EEEE! Uh DA DA DA! (sneezes).

Dear Ask The Baby: So this figure skater, Johnny Weir. Is he, uh… you know, does he kick with the other foot, or what? He never gives a straight answer.

Can’t Read His Poker Face

Dear Can’t Read: Heh! Heh heh heh heh.


Ask The Baby: The Large Hadron Collider

"For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In my nappy."

In this installation of our question-and-answer series, Naive Physicist and Baby Eve Judson addresses sciency stuff for those who have been wondering about (or worrying about) the Large Hadron Collider, the enormous particle accelerator physicists hope will allow for observation of the Higgs boson.

Dear Ask The Baby: I am afraid the Large Hardon Collider is going to destroy Earth by creating a black hole in the middle of the planet. It will be just like what the angry Romulans did to Vulcan in the new Star Trek movie, except that EVERYONE,  not only Winona Ryder, will die. Do you think I am crazy?

— Not Feeling Fine, Man

Dear NFFM: [counting fingers] Huh. Heh-heh-heh. Uh dib ba b’eh, mumumumumum.

Dear Ask The Baby: Do you really believe the piece of baguette that temporarily disabled the LHC in November was dropped by a pigeon? This was clearly an attempt by time-travelers from the post-apocalyptic future to warn us about the folly of activating this diabolical machine.  I think we need the truth about this to come out NOW.

12 Monkeys Can’t All Be Wrong

Dear 12 Monkeys: Mmmm.  Mmmm.  Mmmm! Uh deng deng deng beh nuh! Mama! Deng deng deng! Muh. [chews hands]

Dear Ask The Baby: Don’t you think all this attention paid to the Higgs boson is a little overhyped? It’s just theoretical at this point! There are other ways to explain the electroweak symmetry breaking and mass generation, and they don’t require spending hundreds of millions on a racetrack for quarks in Switzerland. However, my girlfriend doesn’t agree with me. She’s all about the Higgs. How do I keep from making sarcastic comments when she goes all gaga about the God particle? It’s driving me nuts.

Top Quark Potentate

Dear TQP: [flapping excitedly] Oooo!  Oooo! Mama! [points out window at bird] Hissa CAT!!

Ask The Baby: US Healthcare Reform

Healthcare Expert E. Judson

Healthcare Expert E. Judson

This week, Public Health Expert EAA Judson answers your questions about HR 3200 and other health care reform proposals currently before Congress.

All answers to questions are transcribed verbatim.

Dear Ask The Baby: I am a retiree. I am terrified that the President wants me to be subject to a Death Panel to decide whether or not I am still productive enough to be left alive! I am also terrified that he will take away my Medicare and force me into a government healthcare program! What can I do?

–Glenn Beck Fan

Dear GBF: [sustained, high-pitched screeching]

Dear Ask The Baby: I’m a Republican. I’m terrified that in a government healthcare system, President Obama will use our party registration to deny us healthcare since we’re members of the “wrong” party! What can I do?

–In a Rush to Listen to Rush

Dear Rush: [sustained, high-pitched screeching]

Dear Ask The Baby: I’m a conservative voter. I’m terrified that under a government healthcare plan, the President will require me to give my tax dollars to fund contraception and abortions. What can I do?

–Pro-Life, Not Pro-Death Panel

Dear Pro: [sustained, high-pitched screeching]

Dear Ask The Baby: I voted for the President. Why isn’t he doing a better job refuting all these lies about death panels and denying service to Republicans and … and… I can’t take it. It’s insane. Health care costs are bankrupting families now and will bankrupt our country in the future, and when the President calls for some modest, incremental reforms, all of a sudden you’ve got people bringing assault rifles to town hall meetings and US Reps calling for revolution and evidence that most people believe every stupid myth debunked in this article here and I’d really like reform to pass so I can move home and have my pre-existing conditions covered. ARRRGH!

–Mum

Dear Mum: [sustained, high-pitch screeching] [bursts into tears]

www.healthreform.gov